Guilt

The last few weeks I have been feeling guilty. Guilty for not visiting my dad more, guilty for not asking him if he was afraid or what I could do for him. Most of all, I feel guilty for avoiding the subject of his impending death. I was too afraid and uncomfortable to talk with him, leaving him alone in this process. I am guilty of this and it brings me grief. If I had a do-over, then I would be brave and face death as a part of life, and I would be there for him.

I miss him and lament the life he has already missed~the birth of Augustus, his granddaughter driving, and us moving into our farm house. The very move that he said would happen.

Snow

I don't write much, it is just too painful. My dad is never far from my thoughts and I think of him daily....but writing about it, putting words to my pain, is just too raw for me.

Today it snowed. Our first snowfall in our new home. I remember being despondent to my dad, saying how I felt like we would never sell our small Seattle home and move to the country. My dad said, "It will happen." I didn't believe him, but of course he was right.

This snowfall is so meaningful because it is the first in our new home. It is also the first of the season and we are all very excited. My dad loved the snow and the sun. In fact, he appreciated all of the seasons. He was an adventurer at heart who often bundled me up to ski resorts when I visited. He would have enjoyed this snow. He would have been one of the first to put his warm clothes on and go pack the first snowball. He was game for anything and I am saddened beyond comprehension that someone with his zest could be robbed so early. He had so much more life to experience and would have loved playing with the kids.

So, today, our 2 inch snowfall (so far) brings me joy and saddness. I keen for him to be here, hear his voice on the phone with excitement, but it is not to be. Instead I am left with imagining how he would act and what he might say.

I hear, "Az, want to take a walk in the snow with me?" Of course I say yes.