We always put up our Christmas lights by November 1st. November 1st is my Dad's birthday and my unofficial kick off into the holiday season. I put up the lights for him and his memory. I choose to be happy in the spirit of the memory of him. I bake a cake and tell stories and remind the kids how much he loved them.
I am getting excited and anxious thinking about this upcoming event. This time of year reminds me of him driving 5 hours the weekend before Halloween to bring us a giant (200) pound pumpkin that he grew. He was so proud of it and very happy to give it to us. It was a big surprise and we 'oohed' and 'ahhed' over it.
This was one of the last things he gave me before he died. Little did I know that he would be dead 8.5 months later.
I miss him and that he didn't get to see my new house and family. Not being able to share this life with him has been the hardest part of dealing with his death. I know that he would be so happy for all of us.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Sunflowers
Today we began preparing the garden for fall and winter. Jon cut off a few of the sunflower flowers and Theo wanted to know why.
"Why are you cutting them?"
Because there is a season for everything and we are preparing for winter. The sunflowers are dying.
"Are you going to cut down the last one?"
No, that one isn't ready yet. Wben it is ready, then we will cut it.
"But, why?"
This conversation brought pricks of tears to my eyes. My throat choked as I reminded him that everything dies and it was the sunflower's time. I then began thinking about if it was my dad's time. Did he die in the fall or winter of his life? He was sixty-four. Is sixty-four September, October, or November of a person's life?
I suppose none of it really matters but I want to know how much he---and I---were cheated. I want to measure my pain.
I always, always, miss him.
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