Before my father passed, I didn't know about sobbing dreams. I had had nightmares and night terrors--dreams of intense anxiety and confusion. Dreams where I was running for my life and didn't know if I would live.
And now I have heart swallowing crushing dreams of sadness. Last night I dreamt that I was saying goodbye to my Dad all over again. He was lying in a bed and the tears poured down my cheeks as I stroked his forehead saying over and over, "I love you." My body was exhausted from crying and not breathing well. I sobbed until I couldn't catch my breath. The sadness is overwhelming.
I didn't know pain like this until he died. I knew fear, anxiety, frustration, and anger. However, this pain, this bone crushing all consuming pain is far different than I have ever known.
During the day I feel like I am managing my sadness better. This summer marks the 5th anniversary of his death and I am finally at the point of being able to talk about him and look at pictures of him without crying. I don't have night terrors of sadness often, thank God! But when I do, they bring me back to this place of loss.
I never knew true loss until his death.
