Today I invited my dad to high tea. I was pleased that he wanted to go and that he was so excited. I picked him up in his wheelchair and wheeled him to the tea room. The entire way, while pushing him, tears streamed down my face. I see all of these able bodied elderly who are so unlike him. He is weak and withered. He can't get out of any chair without help, and even then it takes him at least 30 seconds to move around. He shakes and is so gone.
We spent 30 minutes at tea and he ate two plates of sweets. I don't care that he has diabetes, I just want to please him. He is dying and if I can make any moment a little sweeter (no pun intended :) I will. I will get him anything he wants. Sadly, all he really seems to want is to sleep. His time is fast approaching and it very apparent to me that his body wants to go. He isn't hungry, isn't even thirsty. His body has given up.
I love this man and it brings me pain to watch him wither. I have taken to kissing his tumor scar on a few occasions. It is as long as my index finger and travels horizontally on his speckled bald head. I can't kiss it and instead kiss near it. It scares and upsets me.
After tea I tucked him into bed with extra blankets. I have said goodbye to the child I once was, only a few short months ago. The child who could run home if I ever needed help. He has become the child and I am his keeper. It is unsettling.
The irony of life is how quick it all goes; how fast our children grow and how our health is stolen from us without a fight. My dad has been robbed and I have become fatherless.
It is so painful to watch and sometimes I feel like I am living outside of my body.
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