Colonoscopy

I am having a colonoscopy tomorrow and am knee deep in the prep. The fact that I am having my third colonoscopy by age 36 unsettles me. It makes me feel my mortality, or at least reflect upon it. Losing my dad has made me feel, at times, unreasonable pangs of loneliness and desperation. I fear not for my life, but the lives of my young children and so I worry.

I am trying to take charge of my health and keeping myself as healthy as possible, as long as possible. This is why I scheduled a full skin cancer screening this spring as well as my overdue colonoscopy.

It surprises me that my dad's death knocks me at unexpected times. Of course I feel his loss at holidays, celebrations, milestones...but I never expected to mourn the loss of him at my medical procedures. No one speaks of that. No one warns you that the unexpected moments can knock you to the grown and remind you, like a huge gushing wave, that you are forever altered.

Missing

As I put the horses away tonight I felt the bitter twinge of loneliness. I paused and wanted to wrap my arms around myself, just to feel a sense of a hug from my dad. I so wish he could have seen our home, met our son, been longer in my life. I miss him.

I looked to the summer night sky, listened to the birds chirping, and longed for some sign. Just one sign. Any sign. I wish I could have experiences where I knew he was here. I need him and miss him and just want a bit of reassurance from my father. Life feels so lonely without him. Lonely and desperate.

I can't imagine living another forty to fifty years without him. I hope to, but it feels bleak and I am jealous of families who have time.