I find myself murmuring softly to my children, "Grandpa would have loved you so much." I repeat it over and over, thinking that maybe I can get through to them how much they are loved. It pains me that they will never know him, never see his energy~calm when needed and child like when excited. He was always so thrilled when I arrived to visit him. Jumping around, carrying my bags in, grinning ear to ear. I was loved. Not having that unconditional love is one of the things that pangs the most in my life.
Christmas is nearing and the holidays without him don't get any easier. His loss has scarred me and I now have fear in my life. I fear parting from my mom or kids or friends and wondering if I will see them again. Sometimes I wonder if I have PTSD from him dying.
Georgia and Theo (ages five and three) are talking alot about death. We have developed the Lion King belief system where "the great leaders of the past become stars in the sky." They seem to understand this and I hope with all my might that it is true. At times I look to the sky, telling him how horribly I miss and love him.
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