The changing of the seasons hit me most hard. I feel my loss and recognize that another season has missed him. I think, because of this, I appreciate the changes all the more.
Today I sat in the back pasture wearing a tank top and jeans and feeling the warm sun on my arms. I let the horses out and they grazed feet from me. Three chickens decided to check on me and wandered close, no doubt investigating to see if I had food to spare. I smelled grass and manure and the heat of horses. I looked at all the memories we have shared these past three years in this pasture. I gazed at the dead tree stump in which a bobcat ate one of our first ducks on. The very same stump that the kids think is their mission to use rusty old shovels to pulverize it into a million splintery pieces. As I watch, a squirrel runs diagonally around it, life ever present.
This is the pasture where I encouraged my mom to get on Starr, without a halter or saddle. Mere seconds later, this is the pasture where I watched Starr run off with my 67 year old mother.
Our daughter took her first fall off of her Pony here.
How many times have I watched the children playing king of the mountain on our manure pile? How many times have I yelled, "At least put some shoes on if you are up there!?"
My dad is missing the very simplest of moments. I am missing him here. With us. Watching how pleased he would be, seeing him play with our kids.
I haven't dreamed about him in so long. I haven't 'felt' his presence. I do try and have faith that he is here but I wish for signs. I take comfort in believing that the signs are in the details of everyday life. The constant kisses from Augie, the sound of a flock of chickens running after you, the hawk cry that our daughter does to perfection, a tail wagging upon my arrival, the whinny from a horse demanding it is time to bring them in, and the feeling of pride when watching our son figure out a brain teaser puzzle. Life is all around me, and, by golly, I must take that as my sign to be strong and remain appreciative.
Because it is so very fleeting.
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