Dad Dream

In my dreams I am excited to see him and I know he is dying. I don't have dreams where I already know he is dead and I am astonished to see him. I don't race to him.

Instead, my dreams focus on spending as much time with him, knowing the end is coming. My behavior is cautious and determined. I can feel sadness and desperation in my dreams, thankfully his death is never a surprise.

Probably how I was when he was dying. I was aware of not making him sad. I was cautious in how I talked and if I worried or taxed him. I was trying to look out for him, but ended up keeping us at arms length. This is one of my biggest regrets.

Last night I dreamed that I was going on a personal yacht with eight people. I didn't know the others, and felt it was a field trip of sorts, with young adults and a few older folks manning the boat. I was in the back of the yacht looking forward at my father. He was still bald but his dark brown wavy hair had grown long down his back. It curled like mine and it gave me pleasure to notice how similar our hair is. He was standing mid ship with one leg jauntily placed on the back of a chair. His hair was blowing with the motion of the boat and he had a large smile on his face. He looked very, very, happy.

I wasn't able to talk to him on the boat and, instead, watched his joy.

When we docked, I was in charge of some of the others and didn't know where he was. I knew that he was near but couldn't see him. Off the boat, we walked alongside a canal. On our side of the canal was grass and trails. We looked out to the other side of large multi-story apartment or condo buildings. My dad told me that he liked to visit these at Christmas because they decorated well with wreaths and lights. I remember making a note of this and knowing that I would come back to visit this spot after he was gone.

After returning to the boat, we rode home, and I didn't see him. We all disembarked and I was in charge of securing the yacht to the boat slip. The rope fell through my fingers and the yacht slowly drifted away. I screamed and panicked and cried for help.

What does this all mean? This dream speaks to me of anxiety and my loss. My bright spot is being surprised by my dad and how he has changed. The most important part was seeing his joy.