Am I better?

Am I a better person since my father died? I know I feel so much stronger and I feel older. I hope to say a bit wiser.

My father's death shook me. In fact, it still shakes me. I fear more and I hope I love more. I certainly have more patience with my mentally fragile mother. Before my dad's death I was angry. Angry at her irrationality and angry with her instability. She wasn't diagnosed with a mental illness until I was in my early 20's. Which means I spent a very good portion of my life feeling shaken by her, living my own private tornado with her.

Since my dad has passed, I have tried to become more patient. I invite her into our lives and this isn't something I did before. I encourage her to come and share and love us. I take pictures of her.

For many, many, years I wanted to erase her.

The gift of losing the one parent I didn't know but who felt wholly stable to me has been in walking closer to the storm. His death was the opportunity to really know that life isn't a guarantee. To experience loss and reach out for anything left tangible in the word of family. My mom is the only one and in an odd universe way, his leaving has brought us closer.

I only wish I could have been wiser and loved them both wholeheartedly. Loved them both without anger and resentment and distance.