Disneyland

My dad was my Disneyland ticket. He took me when I was four years old and videotaped me running to the characters and hugging them. This was back in the days when a videocamera was the size of a small microwave and I appreciate that he loved me enough to tape me. I have since lost the tape but he showed it to me when I was a teenager and I remember the look of joy on my face as I ran, long unruly hair streaming behind me.

He took me to Disneyland as a preteen then again at the age of 22 with my own daughter, Katherine. Kate was four years old at the time and he always said that four year olds were the best to take to Disney. We had a great trip and all of us had hoped he would get to travel with my other kids to the "Happiest Place on Earth."

I have had his words about Disney in my head for years and intended to follow with this seemingly trivial piece of wisdom for my own family. Finances and moving and new babies put a crimp in our plans the past few years and our second oldest turned five last November. I felt that I had missed the four year old magic.

As life would have it, my stepfather unexpectedly paid to put up our family in a condo in Palm Springs for a week and I realized that Palm Springs isn't that far from Disney (2 hours drive). It almost felt meant to be, especially to travel so close to his death anniversary. So we scraped together a budget and a Disneyland plan and booked the trip. I felt like I was following my dad's life advice and wished he could have made the trip with us. I know he planned to take us again and this seemed a small consolation prize.

When I walked through the gates of Disneyland and looked at the plaque above my head that read, "Yesterday, today, and tomorrow" I welled with tears. I said some small words to my dad like, "miss you dad" and took a deep breath and put my sunglasses on. The knowledge of how he had once stood at that exact spot was powerful and overwhelming for me.

Within the park I insisted that we eat dessert at the Blue Bayou. A totally overpriced and underwhelming dining experience, but where he had taken me for my upcoming 23rd birthday on our last trip. I had hoped this meal would bring me closer to him but I felt no real connection. Actually it was more painful than anything and I felt foolish for having thought it would bring me peace.

Overall, Disneyland kept me busy and happy but I did find myself missing him at times. I gave in to a few tears here and there and smiled to myself when the kids rode Splash Mountain-twice-knowing that he would have enjoyed seeing their four and five year old bravery on display. I took some deep breaths on the Small World ride because that was one I remembered as a child and must have ridden it with him. I kept thinking to myself, "We rode this together. I am seeing what he saw. He was here!"

I miss him.