Alone

Here I am, alone. I feel like I am slipping away, tears streaming down my face to this silent hole. I don't want to talk to anyone, all they have is sympathy. The only person I want to talk with is an ex boyfriend who lost his dad in his late teens. This doesn't seem to be good for my marriage, so I am alone.

I cry everyday. Sometimes more. I drive around town wiping tears out of my eyes, thinking that this may be my dad's last spring. His last time seeing daffodils emerge from the earth. The last time he sets his clock forward. It is ridiculous for me to worry about all of this finality. It is what it is, but it is just so gut wrenching for me.

I put on a brave face, brush people off when they mention my dad. And, now, no one really does. My mom mentions him and asks "How is your daddy?" which makes me want to cringe since it is so sugary sweet and she has never before referred to him as my "daddy." It was always, "your dad said he would pay for your college" or "when is your dad coming up to visit?" Now that he is dying, he has become my daddy~reducing me to a young child. I don't need to be reminded that I am not a young child but secretly feel infantile most of the time.

I think what I am most sad about is the future. I feel like I can lose him right now, but I am so sad at what all he and I will miss. I don't know him and always imagined that I would get to know him. Now it is too late. The tumors have robbed him of himself. He isn't the same and he won't ever be. He doesn't play softball, play cards, golf, or white water raft anymore. He now sits in a chair with potty pads on it and stares into space.

Where do I go from here?