Today I drove down to see my dad for the first time in 6 weeks. He was sitting in his new leather recliner, warming himself by the fire. He was unable to get up and greet me but smiled from across the way. It breaks my heart to see him so incapacitated. In his previous life, a year ago, he would have done a little jig with his feet and welcomed me with a bear hug. He would have been grabbing every item of my luggage with force~insisting that I not carry anything but my pillow or purse into his home. Those days are gone.
He is bloated, like a bull frog. His neck is puffy and even his eyes seem squinted. His wife says that he has lost alot of weight but he doesn't look like it. She says that he is down to 165 pounds and his legs have atrophied. I believe her, but it is hard to comprehend when his belly is so bloated and his neck so full.
He has developed diabetes from the chemo and now takes insulin. Karen gives him a nightly shot and checks his blood sugar twice a day. This was news to me and I feel so removed from his care. I have a difficult time keeping straight the chemo and non-chemo days, the pills, the side effects.
I ate dinner with him tonight at the table. I find it hard to look into his face. I don't want to cry for the man he has become, but I want to miss this. I feel guilty for thinking such thoughts because I know that all too soon he will be gone.
The bright spot of today was he wanting to go over our cruise excursions together. He had highlighted things he thought that I would like to do. He highlighted a horseback ride on the beach...and so I will go.
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